I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
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My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
kitchen magnet
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.