[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
You Might Also Like
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
My whole life was a lie.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.