Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
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Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me