I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
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[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]