Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
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May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
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Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
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” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
📽️movie date🎞️
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ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
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Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
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incredible
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.