Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
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I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.