FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
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Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.