I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.