When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
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I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
He a real one for that
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
wishing you and yours all the best
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor