I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
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I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Tony Hawk, age 6
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.