FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
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Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
There are no pants in heaven.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Waiting for the Charmin
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran