Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
You Might Also Like
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
How do you milk an almond?
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.