I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
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Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
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I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
SPLOOT
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words