Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
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I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.