I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
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I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking