Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
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You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Simple enough.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place