As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
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Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My dog ate my work from home.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday