Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
You Might Also Like
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
But I really needed water water water
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer