caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
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Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
This will never not be funny 😭
🤣🤣🤣
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.