Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
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If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
pelicons
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.