If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
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there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
☺️
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.