Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
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Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.