I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
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[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.