Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
You Might Also Like
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?