One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
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There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
This is me
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.