You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
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Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
When the stylist spins you back around
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.