“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
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Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
just having fun
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me: