My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
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I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Any refunds available?…
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.