basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
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Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.