If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?