All is fair in drunk and war.
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I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!