SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
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“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.