8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
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doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …