[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
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13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.