If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
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Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
#dalle2