Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
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Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.