If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
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I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
you gotta be faster
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’