What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
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” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
If a snake ate a cake
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined