Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell