Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
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If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult