Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
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Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*