Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows