They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
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My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.