My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
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*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?