20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
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Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn鈥檛 have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Is this the real life?
Is this just
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
you: let鈥檚 get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let鈥檚 catch this rye
Not today
director: ok. it鈥檚 ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…馃槀馃ぃ馃槶馃拃馃拃
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
DATE: Let鈥檚 go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don鈥檛 have a place. I’m homeless.
I鈥檓 Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS