You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
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For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
A leaf blower, but for people.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
omg leave her alone
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.