“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
You Might Also Like
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
How it started How it’s going
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
.. do you even science?
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.