Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
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[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
😂🤣😂🤣
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.