Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
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“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
absolute chaos
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?