“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
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*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.